Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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