she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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