I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
