I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
