Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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