I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize