I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
