was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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