On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's shark week go big or go home
Damn victory sex feels great
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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