Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
