Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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