Michael Bay diarrhea
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
