did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
