I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
