I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize