Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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