Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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