Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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