dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
