you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
