his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
