Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
