Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
