1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
