the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
