I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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