i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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