Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
