Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I want to fling myself into the sun
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
