I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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