its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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