I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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