today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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