Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
How's work?
Spinning.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
