I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
