got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
