you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
