If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
