He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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