So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
