I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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