Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
