I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
