Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize