Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
