i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
