Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
