Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
