i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
