Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
