He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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