It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
