why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
