New invention idea: vibrating tampons
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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