I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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