The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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