Having a random hookup so left but love u
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
