i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think my moral compass just broke
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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