i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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