Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
